Monday, May 11, 2009

"I think your writing style is quite sad but maintains such honesty that it doesn't read as pathetic."

It's almost ironic. It makes me laugh out loud, literally. I never say that unless it actually happens, never understood people that did. No, you can't laugh out loud inside. No.

I hate it when I take a nap and wake up feeling like rip van fucking winkle because things have happened while I was asleep. This is why I sometimes find sleep bothersome, because inevitably you miss out on things.

So I was thinking, aside from the fact that even while living among people, constantly surrounded by people, you can perhaps go by weeks at a time without any human touch. It's kind of a weird concept isn't it? People who didn't have a lot of friends, a lot of human connections used to make me sad because I hate seeing people lonely. But in a recent conversation with Caitlin, when she mentioned she didn't like being touched really, it actually made me think of when the last time I had physical human contact, beyond a handshake. or even that. You know? I mean, shit like this has got to effect you somehow, when you don't even really think of it because you're constantly surrounded by people. And we place so much emphasis sometimes on the extreme physical, sex and what not, that no one ever really talks about when the last time you hugged someone was or just slept next to someone. I think that's what I'm missing these days.

I was thinking living in the palazzo is kind of like the Lord of the Flies. If this program didn't end at the end of June, someone would probably end up dead on a stick. With my friends at home, even my closest ones, there are things about everyone that will bother me. That's normal, but it's just in this situation where we're constantly around each other, these little bothersome things that in ordinary life wouldn't matter so much, become more than they are, seem to matter more than they should, and it's just this snow ball effect where it seems to just consume. At this point, I really hope they don't ruin some of the more than decent foundations upon which they have been built. Because that would just be a waste. But we all have a choice in this matter, don't we?

No comments: