Monday, May 25, 2009

Rock n Roll reminds me of summers, summers since '84, summers since before I came to be, summers I fell in love with, summers I have long since forgotten, summers when I missed you, summers when I lived and felt what I believed was real. Last summer I spent night after night on the phone with you, ending with I miss you, and texts of more than subtle flirting, and I believed I felt it all, I believed he could've been it simply because I wanted it to be so, simply because I was obsessed with the idea that it all could be real.

And lately I've been wondering how I can so easily get swept up in this world of belief, this world of ideas that I put so much weight on. I admire your writing, and you'd said in mid-sentence, oh so carelessly "by the way, you're a good writer," and I paused. Months ago, we'd met and I made the decision that I wanted to know you, that I wanted to actually be your friend. In that oh so simple way you can be sometimes. The decision to put the people who you hope will matter simply because I liked the way you wrote, I liked the way you thought. And that doesn't happen often. And this was all an idea, an idea that's still heavy, and it's all so bizarre, how much weight I put on wanting to know someone simply because their writing makes me imagine the person they could be, the person they may be whether or not that equates to the reality.

And this scares me, this weight I put on simply the idea of things.

While watching another slew of films in our tv room last night, we were listing off our favorite Disney movies. Since my aunt gave Cinderella to me on my 5th birthday, it's been my favorite. As an adult, my favorite movie is now Pretty Woman. Says something about my view on love and men, doesn't it? well fuck, another cliche.

On another note. Two movies I used to watch incessantly as a child because my parents had recorded them off the tv onto video for me were Alice and Wonderland and The Sword and the Stone. I never liked them too much as a kid, but since my videotape collection was small, I would watch them a lot. It recently occurred to me they may actually explain a bit of my personality as an adult.

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