Tuesday, January 6, 2009

You don't know me that well.

I'm leaving in three days and my life somehow just got a bit more complicated. Of my own volition. But I guess, once I get on that plane, whatever complications currently exist will cease to. Won't they?

I was wondering, in this process of getting to know you again, if my curiosity arose from the fact of who you are today, of who I'm knowing, or if I'm mixing it all up in whoever I knew, whoever you knew, when we were younger. Cause let's face it, neither of us could possibly be the same people now. But it's often hard to separate the past and the present, especially in events which never were.

So, i think, it's been brought to my attention from several cases, that I have an issue with communication what I feel. And it's weird, cause I never really thought of myself as someone who had issues with communicating that, but it's been brought up more than once now, so maybe I do?

I'm twenty-four, and I'm not getting any younger, but that's really only made me pickier. And honestly, I really don't think it's because I don't know what I want. I think it's because I know exactly what I want. For the long run. And I'm basically incapable of taking anything less. Even if emotional attachments do arise to some degree.

"You ever wonder if, the idea of settling may not actually be settling at all. But maybe it is what it is?"
"Maybe. I mean you wouldn't actually be settling unless you actually thought you were. If you don't think about it that way, then you're not settling."
"But if you do, then you are. Or maybe you're not, but you just think you are?"
"Doesn't that mean you are. Settling is subjective no?"

At some point, some people do settle, for one reason or another. But should we really have to?

Sometimes I wonder what i'm afraid of more: settling or an actual relationship.