a season of thanks

this year, i want to thank you for loving me at my very worst. thank you for all the home-cooked meals and fresh-baked goods. thank you for making the effort to keep in touch, even when we're miles apart. thank you for choosing to have me in your life, for the long nights, filling my life with laughter, for making my fights yours, being there for the tears, without judgment. i'm thankful that ya'll are in good health, and for allowing me to offer strength, when you've needed it most. thank you for always providing me with a travel buddy, when this city becomes too much. thank you for being my family, the siblings i never had, and for taking the time to read the words i'm always writing, my letters to you.

and i'm so thankful that for another year, i had you all in my life. and i pray, i will see another full year with all of you.

this year, i'm working on accepting those things for which i cannot change, working on accepting the choices of others, and learning that i can't fight to keep myself in your life, that i shouldn't have to fight for that. but know this, if you ever decide you need me, i guess i'll always be here.

on parents and adulthood

K: my dad was arrested last week.
C: my dad could have been arrested last week too! why was he?
K: cause he was out drinking ....but he was waiting outside fro my mom to pick him up. and he was drunk. so cops asked him questions i guess... and he didn't cooperate so they arrested him. for drunk in public, resisiting arrest AND threatening to kill an officer. i was like DAD serously
he was like 'i was drunk'
C: my dad could have been arrested because he went to abar on a THURSDAY night.. got so drunk that he called my sister to pick him up, and she found in lying on the ground in the middle of a parking lot
K: you would think. in their adult age. is that going to be us in 25 years

C: i hope not. you'd think we could get a grasp on how to drink responsibly by then. probably not though. i wonder if i will ever procreate.
K: hahahah

i have such small hips

i dont know how i'll get one out

and then raising it

omggg

i can't even raise myself

we're so poor

how would we find enough money

we'd have to put it in a box house

Why we're friends.

"Broke ass ballin"

We were talking today, just us girls around the dining room table. About guys and marriage. Somehow it seems to come up a lot lately, even though half of us still have never managed to keep that relationship thing.

We're Asian-American, our parents were refugees from Cambodia and Vietnam, after the war. They came here, made a life for themselves from the ground up, and have managed to provide a fairly comfortable standard of living for their children. And to their astonishment, we're now grown, pursuing dreams based on this pursuit of happiness and not necessarily on the worth of a dollar. Because they've provided us with this life, where we never really had to worry about money.

"we want you back, you are on my shortlist of people that i'd like to come back to this country." 03.29.09

I've been busy, caught up.  I haven't seen you in awhile, in years actually.  I'm going to fix that one of these days.  Catch up over beers and your manner of making ordinary days into these stories.

Miss ya kid.

You know I'm just going to break your heart

I don't know what it is about these days. I'm tired of all things related to the opposite sex. I'm tired of dating, I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of trying to get over it, I'm just over it.

I don't have the energy.

And is it weird that I just want to sit at a bar, or in a cafe over a cup of coffee with an old friend and conversate? I'm not looking for an easy hook up. I'm really not looking for any hook up. I just want to go back to the days when it was simpler. When it was all talk and banter and nothing else ever went into play. Just old friends over coffee.

It seems comforting.

As much as I'm anti-institution of marriage. Weddings make me cry. I'm one of those. And last night we were at this girl's bachelorette party. I don't know her, but I'm figuring she's found someone she's excited to spend the rest of her life with.

Now that's deep. Probably the only deep thing in this world. That's a long time.



And I keep looking at your pictures on your facebook. I don't know what the hell it is. I screwed you over, and here I am wondering. I know it's just the whole idea that I'm so enthralled with. That someone could want to be with me to that degree, and I threw it away. Because I didn't want it. Well, fuck, what if no one ever comes around like that again? And my friends keep telling me my problem is this fear of commitment, running away when anyone gets too close, and though I'll admit to it. On the other end, it's not like I've ever been met on the other side of this string.

Sigh. It's one of those Sundays.

Where you wake up and wonder why you drunk texted the people that you did.


I miss talking with you. That's really it.

And maybe it's because I have no other distraction right now and I'm incredibly bored. or maybe it's because once upon a time, you mattered. And I hate losing touch.