Wednesday, March 23, 2011

...I guess this would apply all across the board. All those I once had friendships with, and those events that transpired over late night conversation, the manner of ease in banter levied with subtext, but momentary leaps, without heart, don't really stand a chance against daylight, do they?

What's worth more? Because there's that line, and once you cross it, nothing's ever the same. And I often wonder, why we sometimes believe we have feelings for someone, but as soon as they're acted upon, it's as if they were never quite real to begin with.

We're creatures of habit, in grade school, you have your desk, even when it's unlabeled, we bristle when someone has decided they'd rather sit where you usually sit. And so in life, we often make decisions out of habit, even when they're mistakes. So sometimes we repeat the same mistakes, simply hoping that this time around, things will be different. But they never really are, are they?

I've been trying my whole life to live it right, to do right by myself, to do right by others. And I've messed up countless times, forgetting that sometimes boundaries matter, and a seemingly necessary selfishness must be weighed against what it's worth.

We right our wrongs, and we move on. Sometimes there's nothing else we can do.

But note: I don't believe in mistakes. Things just happen sometimes. Can't say it was right. But everything happens for a reason.
i often can't believe how fast time passes. and how much happens. a reminder that you do eventually get over everything, sometimes old friends and old lovers simply become people you used to know, and somehow it's okay. except for the few moments when i just can't help but miss everyone and every place i used to love so deeply.

Monday, March 21, 2011

-i said, i actually wish it had never happened. wasn't worth it.
-you said, really?? everything happens for a reason.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

-"it's not going to be easy."
-"i don't need easy. i just need possible."

Monday, March 14, 2011

This city can be suffocating, wounding, in its memories, its countenance, the way it knows me, but I can't say I love any other more.

I wrote you a letter today. I didn't have paper, there was a long layover, so I wrote it out on napkins, stolen from Starbucks. And I was going to give it to you, or read a version of it to you, these things I should've said before. And then I thought, maybe tomorrow, not tonight. And then I landed, and I thought, maybe it's better I didn't say anything at all. But it's here, written out. For when I find the courage again.

Friday, March 11, 2011

i'm a romantic. i'm a deep romantic.

i feel too much.

i scoff at the color pink, flowers, frills and dates. but all i want is for a guy to take me on a real date, a real one, the whole nine yards, the kind of evening he really had to think about. i'm independent, strong-minded, strong-willed and opinionated, but i want someone who'll want to take care of me, who will never let me pay, who has his own opinions, but gets where i'm coming from.

this journal i keep. aside from cataloguing my sanity, is mostly a book about every man that's ever had an affect on my life. and i'm not sure if that's sad or what. but that's what it is.

for at the end of this life, it's the people who've made a difference, who've taught us lessons, that matter.

i have to stop settling for less.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

this years love had better last, heaven knows it's high time, i've been waiting, on my own, too long

there are the kind of secrets that bind us, that create trust, love, from which real friendships form, and then there are the kind of secrets that tear us apart, that in their dishonesty breed distrust, to the point that we forget what was good and what was of worth.

and i was willing to wash my hands of it. to deal with the consequences. i believe i was willing to give up what i was protecting. i thought, i actually thought, maybe, maybe it was worth it, you were worth it.

"you had to have known this was going to happen. or did you think it would end differently?"

you had to have known, she kept saying. i had to have known. it was just, i hoped it'd be different this time. i guess i should've gone into it differently. i never think. i just have this habit of leaping.

at this age, you have to ask questions, at this age, you can't just go with the flow because that's when people get hurt because at this age, everything matters. there's just not enough time, like before, when we were younger. because if we're not getting somewhere, then we're just wasting time now.

i'd hate to say it was a waste of time. i'd hate to say it that way. i wish there'd been a different ending. but it never would've worked. because it was dishonest.

and was i really willing to give up what i had?

but on another note. she said, the crazy stays. that's just what happens to us when we have something on the line, when we have something to lose. and the thing is, we're just supposed to find someone who'll love us, for the crazy and all.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."- Mark Twain

I get crazy, you know? That's how I've always been able to tell that I like a guy, that I'm in trouble. I start to feel the insecurity, the jealousy, the crazy brewing just beneath the surface. The crazy that no one likes, the crazy that I hate myself for falling into. And I hate myself that way so much that if it doesn't freak them out, if it doesn't chase them away, well, I figure out how to leave myself. I figure a way out somehow because I hate the crazy. But I just don't know how to make myself not be that way. I know how to catch a guy. It's easy. I'm completely myself, and I'm confident and I say what I think and I don't give a crap if they care or not, but the second I start to realize I have something to lose, I just end up losing myself.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

"I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like every time you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else."

For the record. Felicity and Grey's Anatomy have the best television script writers of all time.

blue skies, broken hearts

"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."

I don't know where this quote originated from, but there are about 30,000 people liking it on Facebook currently.

We were sitting in my room a few weeks ago, having one of those conversations that would either be the end of us or would mend what had been broken. Thankfully, we're on the road toward mending, but she'd spoken of expectations, and how she'd learned not to expect things out of people. That way everything was under your own control, and I guess, you wouldn't blame others or resent others for when things didn't go as you'd thought they would. That way you'd hold yourself accountable. It makes sense.

I've always been a fairly good friend. Despite my faults. I'm the kind of person who'll wake up at 3 a.m. to help a drunk friend in the house, or pick you up from D.C., the kind of friend who'd pick you up from the airport so you wouldn't have to take public transportation, the kind of friend who'll try to bake you cookies even though they suck or listen to you cry over an ex-boyfriend time and time again. And so, I've always expected the same out of the people who I choose to be in my life, the people whom I proudly call my friends. And trust me, I choose them carefully. And I'm aware, we choose our friends, knowing what we're getting into, knowing how they are, what they're capable of, and the kind of friend they're able to be.

But it's still sad sometimes, really sad, when you realize, as much as you love them, you're just no longer okay with that much less than you'd give.
story goes she got me cookies on sunday...
ann: but they are hard now
me: well i like hard ones. are they stale. this makes me so sad. try it. is it stale? i can eat hard cookies. this sounds relaly pathetic.
ann: yea its hard as a rock
me: sigh
ann: Haha. ill bake some cookies for you tomorrow!
me: oh. to what do i owe this wonderful event.
ann: bc we are friends