Sometimes I buy cards with no one in particular in mind.

i write, i write, i write. and none of this makes any more sense.

i don't know if this is a good idea. i don't know if it even carries any weight for you. i don't know how you caught me here. i don't really know what it's all about.

Am I fine? Yes. 

Am I happy? Somedays.

But you know those moments, that go on for days, weeks, where everything's so good, you just think, something bad has to happen because this feeling can't keep going on forever.

It's been awhile.

broken contracts

It's 2 a.m., and you're here. You've broken every rule you've made for me, he said.

Actually, I think that was your rule.

But I do make these rules, that I never seem to stick to. I don't really know what the point is, maybe it's just part of this game. This game we're always playing.

Just friends, huh.

I guess so.

Somehow, this is always how events transpire. No wonder I have no idea how to date. You're twenty-five kid, make the guy take you on a proper date, that's how it's supposed to be, that's how you know it'll turn into something worth anything, that's what convention says, and then I think, fuck it, I'm twenty-five, things are how they are, and I really can't sit around and have convention work itself out. I kind of just have to do what I want, even if it fucks me over (or vice versa). Why bother? Because I think, one of these days, one of these days, it'll work out.

I could be wrong, there's always room to be wrong.

Meghan: This is how I know Felicity still likes you. You ready?

Ben Covington: Yeah. Wha... what is it?

Meghan: Sarah McLachlan.

Ben Covington: What?

Meghan: When Felicity showed up last year, head over heels for you, Sarah McLachlan was all she listened to. If "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" wasn't in the CD player, it was only so "Solace" could get a little airplay. I started calling it 'Ben music'... not to her face but behind her back. But then it went away, and I thought Sarah was gone for good. I almost started celebrating. And then you showed up again. You offered Felicity this cross-country trip of a lifetime, which means I got to memorize every lyric from "Surfacing"... all 10 songs! This year started off McLachlan-heavy, until the big break-up, and then all of Felicity's hair went away, and so did Sarah. Until you guys broke into the pool. Now maybe it was a coincidence, but guess who started to make a comeback? It was gradual, but constant, and now if you want me to, I can sing any song from "Mirrorball" which really annoys the hell out of me! So if you're ever curious about whether Felicity has the hots for you, just check her boom box.

Ben Covington: That's the dumbest theory I've ever heard.

Sean Blumberg: Well, I buy it.

Meghan: Let me put it this way, Greg knows how to work it. If she spends too much time with him, Sarah's going back on the shelf. -- IMDb Quotes: Felicity (1998 TV series)

lost things in series

 

__________________________________________________________

I have a habit of saving everything. Anyway, this day in 2009.

Matt: dude, not only can you rent them. you can rent them in order to toss them
Matt: they wear harnesses and you can physically toss midgets
Kim Ha: um
Kim Ha: why does this sound inhuman
Matt: well they get paid alot
Kim Ha: .....
Kim Ha: so do some hookers
Matt: exactly
Matt: so if they are willing to go through it, then its ok
Kim Ha: hahaha
Kim Ha: so
Kim Ha: senator fackner
Kim Ha: when you were 24 you rented a midget?
Kim Ha: hhahah
Kim Ha: best story ever
Matt: nope
Kim Ha: no if it was real
Kim Ha: please do it
Matt: ohthat would be funny
Matt: i'll rent the midgets you bring the keg
Kim Ha: NO
Kim Ha: i'm not going to bea part of the midget renting
Matt: what
Matt: it'll be my name
Matt: why are you so scared
Kim Ha: midgets don't do it for me matty
Kim Ha: now if it were a miniature midget, that's another story
Kim Ha: i had a bagel with cream cheese this morning
Kim Ha: it was yum
Matt: fuck
Matt: i want one
Matt: darn it
Kim Ha: mi dispiace

_________________________________________________________

some matters at hand

life goal #27 drive cross-country. note: will accomplish this, this summer.

#26 live abroad for a year.
#25 get an M.A. (x2)
#24 move out of my parent's house
#23 fall in love
#22 live in southern california or brooklyn
#21 travel around Asia
#20 travel around Europe
#19 live in London
#18 write a book and get it published
#17 write a screenplay
#16 help someone in some way that alters the course of the rest of their life
#15 travel to south america
#14 be homeless for a week or so
#13 drive stickshift
#12 a tattoo
#11 jump out of something
#10 get married
#9 procreate

Running away to Brooklyn.

So here we are

I thought my bi-annual quarter life crisis wasn't going to come around this year. And, it hasn't really. Cause somehow, even with life unplanned 3 months from now (and I always plan 6 months in advance.) I'm okay with where I am, and wherever the hell it takes me. My fortune cookie did say: you are heading in the right direction. And that's gotta be worth something.

But with that said, I still somehow, after a string of unexpected events, that's how they always happen, don't they? managed to deactivate my Facebook. And, if you know me, only under some dramatic circumstance would I go about doing this because, Facebook is my coke, and I'm not even saying that lightly.

But I won't last because I never do, and it's a good thing I've never done coke cause I've found, I'm an easy addict to the things I can't live without. Of course, it's only in the momentary do I believe this to be true.

I could give it up forever, and write a blog about it. Isn't that what we do? But nah, going on 6 hours. Will probably only last 24. Maybe 48, if this is incredibly severe.

We're having talks before things get too far, before lines get too blurred.  We're defining things, not yet worth defining, to save ourselves from past mistakes.  We're learning from old losts, though I'm not sure it's getting us any further.

We're growing up or something I guess.


Though, I must say, I'm really sick of guys telling me they're not one for relationships.  Because we always know, it's really a backhanded insult.  Whether they mean it or not.  None of us can help it, but the truth is, we're all the relationship type with the one we want to stick around for.


But hell, I've never managed to stick around. Even I don't know what this is all about.

"You know what I was thinking?  I can't believe you've never had a boyfriend."

Backhanded compliments all around.


Even when they're not worth much.

You know what's nice?  When guys come around with random apologies, months, years after the fact.


Makes you think, so you're not a total asshole.  And you did give a fuck. (And. I did matter.)


So, thanks.  Even with the late reaction.

(My own thanks, years after the fact. On account of a friends' random note.)

I don't know what you want from me, and it's not the kind of thing I want to ask.  Cause although I'm not really sure what I want from you, I also don't want to hear your reply.  Worst case scenario, you lie, worst case scenario, you tell me what I don't want to hear, worst case scenario, you tell me what I do want to hear, but none of this will work, none of this will work.

Maybe you're trying to get over someone.  I don't know, but maybe this is the case.  If so, a part of me thinks, so what's wrong with sticking around, but then the other part of me thinks, I don't want to be the girl that hangs around as you try to get over someone else.  I don't think it's a game I feel like playing.

I don't know any of this to be fact.  But I have this feeling, like something's off.  And I've never been wrong before. 


But the weird thing?  The weird thing is, being around you takes no effort.  As if we've been hanging out for years, as if you're an old friend, you know?  And I'm not quite sure why this is the case, but to me, being around you is comfortable.

And that's hardly ever been the case.

A few days shy of 3 year years ago, I graduated from undergrad. Here I stand, a few life goals accomplished, papers filed in overpriced diplomas, a few other lives lived, several countries over, some lessons learned in the plight of others, survivin' and matters of the heart, and still, miles and miles left to go.