Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Free fallin'

In two weeks time I'm going to be dreadfully homesick. It's protocol. Hopefully it only lasts a day. I know I'm always forcing these changes on myself cause I can't stand being in one place for too long. Drives me a little bit crazy, but god damn I hate goodbyes. I've always held on too tight. And then I kind of just jump at the last minute, when I have to, and I always land on my feet, but I'm scared nonetheless.

I got a macbook last week, and I'm in love with it.

He's coming to visit me. He's really going to get on this airplane and fly here. Halfway across the country. And didn't I write that once, that I'd love it if someone would do that for me? But I didn't think anyone ever would, you know? And I've just been sitting here in disbelief, repeatedly asking, "Is he crazy?" in my head.

And we don't have anything in common really. We never talk about anything real. Nothing real. And I tell him this and he doesn't get what I mean. He says I'm crazy. Maybe I am. maybe I am.

But I'm too aware of what is missing.

but i'm always too aware of any problems, or anything that might resemble a problem.

i'm scared of commitment. i'm scared of hurting someone. i don't like hurting people.

we'll see how it all turns out.

i'm having dinner with an old friend. who i haven't seen in what i could say to be years. almost. i just wanted to see what it'd be like to sit in a room with him, after the storm. to see if we came out okay. or if i came out okay anyway.

i'm gonna go to italy and i'm going to come home and this life will be different.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


"you don't seem self conscious at all," she'd said.

i looked at her completely surprised.

guess i must play it off well or something.

i want soft soft fine sand. the kind people use to clean diamonds with. and i want my friends. sitting by the beach, as the sun sets.

can we? oh please.

this summer is filled with too many farewells and not nearly enough play time.

Friday, August 1, 2008


i think about you around the clock. and what's funny is, neither of us were even sure how it all started. and it's weird cause i don't know you all that well, but for some reason it doesn't matter. and never in my life has it ever been this uncomplicated. well, except for that one fact of space and time. and im starting to get really kinda scared. you can't hurt me yet, but you could put me through some serious withdrawal. and if it continues to go at this pace, when i leave for italy, not only will i have to readjust myself, get through the homesickness, but then i have to get used to not talking with you, not hearing your voice, every single day.

it's never supposed to be this simple.

so of course, this will all get very complicated very soon.

the timing is all wrong.

the location is all wrong.

you shook my hand.

i noticed a pattern.

and like the last time, i don't know exactly where anything fell.

i have all these insecurities, and they surface when i feel like i have something on the line. and then i couldn't get why you kept talking to me. and you spoiled me with the calls. the 2 a.m. calls that i knew, i know, is proof of nothing. nothing. and you said it was, in your casual half teasing manner. in my head i knew it to mean nothing. could all still end badly. and now they've more or less ceased. and im taking it as a sign. and im kinda scared, you know?

i can comfort myself in saying, well, maybe if that were the case, it'd be better cause i'm leaving anyway.

but another part of me just wants to say fuck italy. i wouldn't mind just you.

but that would never be enough. and moments like these i wish i was leaving now. today. instead of one month from today. so i could just get away from you, let go of you, before i really fall for you and then it just gets too complicated, too difficult for me to grasp and the only thing i can see are my insecurities.