"Isn't it pretty to think so?" masochistly numbing

"Well that's the spirit of Christmas."
"What is?"
"Mysterious txt message that lets you know there's less hate in your life."


For the first time, I'm making a new years resolution this year. A real one. None of that 'I have to eat healthier, exercise more (or at all)' because I never keep those.

(On these course of events, and others like it, my emotional capacity is done). At least for 2009.


Anyway.


Whatever your intent was, I don't really know. But on my side of the line, I'm saying thank you, whatever that's worth.

The price of worth. Diction without care.

"The future is only an indifferent void no one cares about, but the past is filled with life, and its countenance is irritating, repellent, wounding, to the point that we want to destroy or repaint it. we want to be masters of the future only for the power to change the past." -Milan Kundera

At twenty-one, I learned the reality of the everlong cliche of broken hearts, emotions heightened to anger, hate, bitterness and regret without sacrifice, without discretion: it was what it was.

At twenty-two, I learned the price of self-worth and perhaps the most difficult things in life are the truths for which we cannot control: time, cancer, the choices of others

At twenty-three, I learned the reality and repercussions of the choices we choose to make, the price of momentary desires

At twenty-four, I learned some things are never meant to be reconciled: perhaps it's not whether someone else will forgive you for your actions, but rather if you can forgive yourself.

My existence these days can only be summed up as surreal. Loss of sanity, happiness as momentary leaps dotting the horizon.

I am from planet earth, of this I'm sure. Of only this I'm sure.

For the sake of religion

"Tell me one person who it's worked out for."
"What? You want me to name someone? You want like a name? Oh god, the pressure of a name...I got it...Cinderfuckin'rella."

Las Vegas, Nevada

If I had to choose.

Even if things end up a bit too heavy

For some reason modest mouse has been an anthem for the past week. I was supposed to wake up at 9am today to go to the museum since it's free on Sunday's apparently. Well now it's noon and that totally didn't happen and it never does happen but I feel good about today. I'm going to get ready for the day in a minor second after I jot this down.

So in between freakouts about school work, failing out, being too stupid for this course in life. I asked, why the hell did I come here? I still don't know what I really want to do with my life, in between searching for internships in Italy, I really wondered why i came here. A large motivating factor was it was in Italy, it was only a year, in a sense, the opportunity of a life time. And I've learned a lot, and I am interested in the topic matter, but in the realistic sense I don't know if I'm ever going to use it in the path I choose.

I’m expecting a lot out of this experience. I’m expecting to find something. I'm expecting this life to make more sense. And I’m praying for understanding in a lot of other ways.

I'm not sure if I'm going to find what I was looking for in the way that I expected. But either way, this will be worth it.

It has to be worth it.

This life will be different.

Free fallin'

In two weeks time I'm going to be dreadfully homesick. It's protocol. Hopefully it only lasts a day. I know I'm always forcing these changes on myself cause I can't stand being in one place for too long. Drives me a little bit crazy, but god damn I hate goodbyes. I've always held on too tight. And then I kind of just jump at the last minute, when I have to, and I always land on my feet, but I'm scared nonetheless.

I got a macbook last week, and I'm in love with it.

He's coming to visit me. He's really going to get on this airplane and fly here. Halfway across the country. And didn't I write that once, that I'd love it if someone would do that for me? But I didn't think anyone ever would, you know? And I've just been sitting here in disbelief, repeatedly asking, "Is he crazy?" in my head.

And we don't have anything in common really. We never talk about anything real. Nothing real. And I tell him this and he doesn't get what I mean. He says I'm crazy. Maybe I am. maybe I am.

But I'm too aware of what is missing.

but i'm always too aware of any problems, or anything that might resemble a problem.

i'm scared of commitment. i'm scared of hurting someone. i don't like hurting people.

we'll see how it all turns out.

i'm having dinner with an old friend. who i haven't seen in what i could say to be years. almost. i just wanted to see what it'd be like to sit in a room with him, after the storm. to see if we came out okay. or if i came out okay anyway.


i'm gonna go to italy and i'm going to come home and this life will be different.

Santeria

"you don't seem self conscious at all," she'd said.

i looked at her completely surprised.

guess i must play it off well or something.



i want soft soft fine sand. the kind people use to clean diamonds with. and i want my friends. sitting by the beach, as the sun sets.

can we? oh please.


this summer is filled with too many farewells and not nearly enough play time.

Adieu

i think about you around the clock. and what's funny is, neither of us were even sure how it all started. and it's weird cause i don't know you all that well, but for some reason it doesn't matter. and never in my life has it ever been this uncomplicated. well, except for that one fact of space and time. and im starting to get really kinda scared. you can't hurt me yet, but you could put me through some serious withdrawal. and if it continues to go at this pace, when i leave for italy, not only will i have to readjust myself, get through the homesickness, but then i have to get used to not talking with you, not hearing your voice, every single day.

it's never supposed to be this simple.

so of course, this will all get very complicated very soon.

the timing is all wrong.

the location is all wrong.

you shook my hand.

i noticed a pattern.

and like the last time, i don't know exactly where anything fell.

i have all these insecurities, and they surface when i feel like i have something on the line. and then i couldn't get why you kept talking to me. and you spoiled me with the calls. the 2 a.m. calls that i knew, i know, is proof of nothing. nothing. and you said it was, in your casual half teasing manner. in my head i knew it to mean nothing. could all still end badly. and now they've more or less ceased. and im taking it as a sign. and im kinda scared, you know?

i can comfort myself in saying, well, maybe if that were the case, it'd be better cause i'm leaving anyway.

but another part of me just wants to say fuck italy. i wouldn't mind just you.

but that would never be enough. and moments like these i wish i was leaving now. today. instead of one month from today. so i could just get away from you, let go of you, before i really fall for you and then it just gets too complicated, too difficult for me to grasp and the only thing i can see are my insecurities.

Waiting.

"if you miss me, say you miss me. if you don't, don't. if you just want to be friends, then don't tell me you miss me."

frustrated, all i could seem to muster was, "what do you want me to say?"

he points out these faults i have, that i'm more or less aware of, but no one's ever really told me point blank. he's not even aware he's pointing it out. he's just saying what he thinks. i have this thing about too much affection, or affection in general. i have a wall a mile high. with inconsistent gaps in between.

from the looks of it, this probably won't end well. i can't tell how badly yet though.


[Update]
19 October 2009
As badly as it could've.

Put your feet on the ground

i call myself a realist. i want a prince charming, but i don't believe in forever. or that there's only one other person out there for you. i don't believe that love's enough. a lot of it has to do with timing. and other constraints of life. shit happens. i don't believe in perfection. i like things messy. gives it character. i don't believe in making promises you can't keep. the phrase, "we've got a lifetime to get to know each other" is so corny it makes me wana throw up. there's nothing which grounds it. it's really an empty promise. meaningless. speaking for the sake of.


any guy would be fucking crazy to fall for me.



maybe that's my problem.



the thought of leaving for italy for so long terrifies me.

but i live for highs like that. kinda like scary movies.

I wouldn't mind knowing you

"But why? It would just ruin everything."


I don't generally read peoples journals. And I generally try not to form an impression of someone i don't really know as a result of what I've read on their Facebook profile. It's weird to know things about people who you don't really know. I stumbled.....upon a journal though. ah, this thing with the internet, and everything is just so public. I'm bored, and I can't help but read it. Forming an impression. But, I'm going to say it's okay. cause in this case, we'll probably never get around to really knowing each other anyway.

But there's this song playing from it. I should know what language it is, but i don't really. You know what it reminds me of? One of those late summer evenings, drinking wine, in one of those bittersweet ending kind of moments. And it's 1920. And everything's just a bit sadder, quieter, without care.

I'm laying by the pool tomorrow with one of my war books.

Mixed Nuts

Driving home from Modern at 2:30 in the morning.

"hey guys, do you have a bag?" ngan asked from the backseat.

"are you gona throw up?" I responded, looking back from the passenger seat. she was leaned over, looking not too well.

"yea, i think so."

"chris, do you have any bags?" I asked.

"no, i don't think so."

"shit, i gave my bag to nga," I said, as i was rummaging through his glove compartment, hoping there was a misplaced bag in the car.

"wait here's one," chris said as he reached over and handed me a bag filled with mixed nuts. "here use this bag."

"what is this? it's filled with nuts!" I said.

"Just throw it out the window!" he said, as we're doing 60 down 495.

"Wtf. I'm not going to throw the nuts out the window. Are you serious?"

"Just throw the nuts out the window."

"We're on the highway!" there was a reason why this wasn't a good idea, but i wasn't exactly sure why.

"just do it."

"omg."

as ngan is trying not to regurgitate from the backseat.

so i rolled down my window and attempted to dump the nuts out the window. totally bad idea, considering most flew back into the car. and i feel bad for whoever drove behind us and got nuts on their windshield.

eff this.

so ngan proceeded to heave into a bag still filled with nuts. she didn't throw up in them. but, i threw the bag in my garbage can anyway. i shoulda gotten a photo.


one of my funny memories from the night.


happy birthday sok. your friends got shit faced off 151.