Wednesday, April 27, 2011

i regret nothing

"I was an English major, now I'm working doubles."

eight months since graduation. eight months. they say the average unemployment time is six. i've surpassed that. and how is that so?

what are you doing here? they ask. working doubles at a pizzeria. at twenty-six, with two master's degrees. and i can't really say why, except for the fact that i'm broke.

what did you study? they ask. and i have to pause, to collect my thoughts, undergrad feels like lifetimes ago, and in some ways, it was. english, political science, another poli sci degree, european union policy, communication, journalism and public affairs. the affairs of the public. and i've found i'm very comfortable these days in new situations, new people.

the past few months, i've been wondering if it was all worth it. if going on this seemingly haphazard (but trust me, there was always a direction) was worth the price that i'm paying now, and will pay for decades to come. and i think about it sometimes, what if i'd been an accountant. i'd probably have a job by now, i would've been working for at least two years by now, i probably wouldn't have the massive student loans that i have now. and i wonder this because, i go on these job interviews, and at twenty-six, i've never held a 'real life' full time job, so they quote me at a lower pay, because i have no 'experience.' but how does one define experience? having sat at some job, for the purpose of having a job, to have committed to a city, a town, a desk for 3 years? so in that respect, that was what my worth was judged upon.

and i think, if i died tomorrow, if that was it for me, i'd be okay because i have no regrets, because i've managed to live my life right by myself, because i don't have any 'what if's, because up until this point, i've taken every chance i've had, and because i still haven't given up. and in that respect, it's okay that i'm twenty-six years old and seating patrons at a pizzeria, and it's okay that i temp at random offices, answering phones, picking up lunch, emptying dishwashers, making coffee, punching holes, binding documents, looking up trash cans to purchase, managing calenders and refilling coffee beans.

because when the time is right, when the job is right, when that one interview will finally work out, it'll happen.

and i'd rather be here, in this moment, doing what i'm doing, than to have never done what i've done.