Monday, June 8, 2009

I wouldn't give up one stupid decision.

For as long, as long as I could ever ever remember, I have never, ever, ever been lucky in love. Not for any one period in my life. Not for any one period during my existence, never. And, I've never, taken any man hostage on this point. And, I understand. I understand. I understand that he loves her, god I see it. I can see it. For the first time in my life, I wholeheartedly approved in a marriage, a marriage he did not approve of. A life he isn't ready for. Children he doesn't yet want. But you know what, I truly believe he will give up all these stupid beliefs simply because he loves her, and I wholeheartedly approve. And the thing is, all this time I've been so upset because I hadn't realized, the end would come so soon, I didn't realize. All the attention he always gave me. The way he made fun of me, the ease of his banter. And it took me by surprise, and I didn't expect it, and I was so upset about it, but I get it now. And to be honest, if they got married today, it would be one of the few that I approved of. ///////////// And you know what, I spent an hour in my room tonight crying. Crying over what would never be, crying over what I would have never wanted to be, crying over what I never even really wanted. Crying because he told me he decided he had a girlfriend and he didn't want that guilt over his shoulders. Crying because he couldn't tell me this through the written word, but he felt the dignified way, the only way, without evidence, was through the spoken word. This guy who I didn't even adore, this guy who up until a week ago didn't even make it on my radar, not because he wasn't attractive but because it just never occurred to me to look past our palazzo family. and fuck, he had, it had never occurred to me past last september, the one moment that i'd put out of my mind, and it had for him, it had, and he'd never had the idea or the balls to say anything or do anything and then he did, and then he did, and now it's nothing, and it's fine with me, it's fine with me, i don't really care, except for the simple fact that it made me think

it made me think, it made me wonder. so....what if we are doomed to repeat the fate of our parents? At 24, I'm still not sure if my parents were ever made for each other, and I'm still highly skeptical of this fact. So what if I follow my mother's fate? What if in the end, I simply end up settling. and fuck I don't want that, fuck I don't want that, and fuck I don't want the cancer either, fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck. fuck. I can't say anything but. But the fucking simple inevitability of all things.


But hey, I could be wrong about everything I've just said above. Because what if none of this is as it seems? I could always be wrong. There's always room to be wrong.

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