Friday, October 16, 2009

maybe we'll make something out of this life

I'm stubborn. You told me that once. I can't remember what we were talking about, but you just said it and I thought, no one's ever really said that to me in that way, except for my mother. And somehow it got you a point in my book.

I don't like being told what to do, and these days I'm cranky to a fault. In our Observer class the other day, the class where we produce our online magazine, the professor asked us if we saw ourselves in positions of leadership. I mean, we all chose to invest our time and money into this program, so it must mean we're setting ourselves up for bigger things, right? And all this time, I had thought, I was just trying to set myself up for a job. But then, I guess it makes sense. All this time I've been freaking out about ending up in a real cardboard box on the street somewhere because all of these degrees hanging in their frames on the walls don't really seem to mean anything in the real world. But then I thought about it, apparently only 26 percent of Americans actually receive a degree higher than high school diploma. Well damn, if I'm only competing against 26 percent of Americans - probably less, since I have even more than that, then why the hell does it seem so impossible?

Anyway, point being, my professor asked me directly and I responded with a hesitant answer. I mean, shit, if I ever get into some position of leadership, it would've been beyond what I ever foresaw. But afterward, I found myself thinking, it may be the only way to go, since I have this thing about control.

And I'm consistently paranoid about miss-perception. Years ago, before the age set in, I was always just this nice girl. And these days, I fear people meet me and think I'm unfriendly, stuck up or hostile. I always wanted to be one of those people that you meet and you instantly get that good feeling about. Sadly, my inward feelings of awkwardness and shyness have had this tendency of giving off a not so friendly vibe.


That's pretty much my one word reply to life at the moment.

Oh yea, I turned 25 last week.

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