Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Free fallin'

In two weeks time I'm going to be dreadfully homesick. It's protocol. Hopefully it only lasts a day. I know I'm always forcing these changes on myself cause I can't stand being in one place for too long. Drives me a little bit crazy, but god damn I hate goodbyes. I've always held on too tight. And then I kind of just jump at the last minute, when I have to, and I always land on my feet, but I'm scared nonetheless.

I got a macbook last week, and I'm in love with it.

He's coming to visit me. He's really going to get on this airplane and fly here. Halfway across the country. And didn't I write that once, that I'd love it if someone would do that for me? But I didn't think anyone ever would, you know? And I've just been sitting here in disbelief, repeatedly asking, "Is he crazy?" in my head.

And we don't have anything in common really. We never talk about anything real. Nothing real. And I tell him this and he doesn't get what I mean. He says I'm crazy. Maybe I am. maybe I am.

But I'm too aware of what is missing.

but i'm always too aware of any problems, or anything that might resemble a problem.

i'm scared of commitment. i'm scared of hurting someone. i don't like hurting people.

we'll see how it all turns out.

i'm having dinner with an old friend. who i haven't seen in what i could say to be years. almost. i just wanted to see what it'd be like to sit in a room with him, after the storm. to see if we came out okay. or if i came out okay anyway.

i'm gonna go to italy and i'm going to come home and this life will be different.

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