Wednesday, April 3, 2013

How long does it take to move on?

A: "I still cry every time I think of -. But I know it'll eventually stop."
T: "Eventually?"
Q: "There's no timeline of when you'll get over it. It's usually either when it hurts too much or when u find someone new."
C: "All of the above and yea you might never really get over him."
A: "Yeah unfortunately. You can have many loves."

Q: "Don't ask me. I never get over anyone."

Two and a half years. I wish I had the heart to delete two and a half years of text messages from my phone. Then I could delete your number and it would stick. Then maybe, I could take that way out. Cold turkey. But out of sight, out of mind was never my style. I was the girl who defriended him and then stalked his new girlfriend's Facebook and sobbed over their photographs as a happy looking couple. I was the girl who read everything and looked into everything until it didn't hurt anymore. As much exposure to the wound as I could take, until I couldn't anymore, until I didn't feel anything anymore. That was the way I'd always gone because at least I wouldn't be blind sided one day. I would already know that he had moved on, and I would simply be coping with it.

Out of sight, out of mind meant that, you could be blind sided at any given moment. There would be no easing in to the idea of him and someone new. One day, it would just be there. As a fact. But at least, in the meanwhile, you would've been able to forget about him, to live your life without feeling crazy because you happened to know who he was with or what he was doing at any given moment. But then, there's the danger of never really dealing with the end, the danger of suppressing emotions, that could one day, one random day just take hold, and then you're wondering why, months down the line, you're having a break down because all of a sudden something has reminded you of the life you used to have with him.

I don't know what's better or healthier.

J: "I broke up with him. It took me a year to get over it."

Why are you sad? You broke up with him.

I don't know if it's a girl thing or a human thing. Every guy has asked me that though. Why in the world are you sad? Is it true? When guys are over it, they're just over it? But it hasn't been that way, it hasn't been all roses and over it.  Perhaps I've been going through the five stages of grieving without really realizing it. Denial and isolation. Back then, it had felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. I had asked myself a simple question, can you live the rest of your life feeling this way? To be with someone, to have someone that was yours, but yet, feel sad more than you felt happy? And I couldn't, so I left. But I had been deluded enough to think that I would be able to get over it without too much time. Maybe that was the denial part. Anger and bargaining. In the aftermath, there was the period where I would get so angry and feel so much resentment because he never understood. Even when it was over, I still wanted so badly for him to just understand why. And then, in the time after, I thought maybe, maybe I could, we could figure out how to make it work. Depression. the step before Acceptance. I'm not really sure where I am. But somewhere between, maybe. 

A guy friend told me recently guys like to date younger girls because they don't carry as much baggage. They're not all depressed and shit. They still know how to have fun. I guess I'm not helping my case. Not attracting any more men with all of this baggage. Whatever. This is life.

1 comment:

The Quarter Life Affair said...

lol rehab. love the analogy.