A New Year

I think I stopped being so hard on myself, but I most definitely did not stop taking "that bullshit." And I failed on swearing off men. I failed not once, but several times over. And in some ways, worse than the year before. Karma's a bitch I guess. But I learned new lessons. And I realized some things. That "hooking up" (Yes, I'm using the oh so vague saying that I hate because it really doesn't mean anything, precisely why I'm using it.) with someone you don't have feelings for is pretty much a waste of time. In the morning after, you end up pretty much emptier than before because despite that moment of gratification you're doomed to realize what you once again lack.

So the experimental stage of my life is officially over I think.

And here I thought I was turning over a new leaf and had become a non crier.


I could just say fuck all this, but I wouldn't mean it.


So I'll just muddle through until it's really okay.



This year is ending in a pretty miserable way. I'm pretty sure this time last year, I was actually pretty happy. My life was in order, and I was okay.

Note: 01/04/2010

In hindsight, I got my act together on December 31st and ended the year in a pretty good way. As it should've been, considering the fact that 2009, despite it's downs, was pretty much life altering - in a damn good way. To put it simply.

For 2010: cheers love and no regrets

Time keeps on moving, the years roll on, but nothing ever gets any easier. Sometimes we fall to making the same mistakes, and sometimes we fail to find the strength to face the things we fear most. But we never, ever lose hope, that one day, everything we've ever worked for will fall into place. That we'll find a love worth keeping, that our children will grow old, that our parents will live with no regrets and that we've done right by ourselves, the ones we love and the strangers who've crossed our paths.

Between now and the new year, I'm supposed to figure out my answer to: What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to do here?





Precisely why I'm having a crisis.

Without fail, still waiting.

Day 10 Sober.

"I think I miss you," he says.

Though I don't subscribe to religion, I will take up praying.

I never want to be someone who wishes they could've done something

For everything.



I wouldn't trade one stupid decision.


No sir.


And today, walking the half-mile Angela's house in over a foot of snow. If I could survive last winter's blizzard in London and the cold winter in Praha and Vienna, I sure as hell can do this.

Winter Break: Day 10

I will brave walking miles through a shit ton of snow. And the shoveling, oh the shoveling.


And there's that class I may not have passed. I'm going to have to send a card and some cookies.

I will read books that I want to read (chicklit for the most part):
How to make love like a porn star, Jenna Jameson - Recommend
Just Friends, Robyn Sisman - Bad? Perhaps.
The Other Woman, Jane Green
What Happened (Inside the Bush White House), Scott McClellan
a stranger's short stories

Three's Company is on TV Land.

Life was easy then.

paper dreams

It's always the same scenes, the same scenes.

"You have to get out of bed. I'm coming over and we're going out," he says.

"No. I'm wallowing. I don't deserve anything." She had a habit for the melodramatic.

"You can't stay in bed forever."

"Yes I can. You don't understand."

"Come on. He'll get over it."

She sat, starring at the empty space, the empty page.

What if, what if, what if.


"Where've you been these days? I miss you. I was driving home, and you came to mind."

"Staunton. Queen city of the south," he replys.

"I still have to visit," she says. But it'd been over 2 years since the last time. It was an empty promise, she knew, he knew.

"How are the girls in your life?"

"I'm seeing this girl. She's a spicy meatball."

"Aren't they all? Where'd you find this one?"

"Match.com. I really like this one. She lives in Charlottesville."

"You really liked the last one," she says wryly.

"Well, you know me."

I miss you like an ex-fat kid misses cake.

I'm quitting the game.


For now anyway.

Hey

I forgot it was your birthday.

But I remembered you had, had the courtesy to wish me well on mine.

So I did the same.

And you said thanks.

And for some reason, it just made me really sad.




You just reminded me, that I can't settle for less anymore.

Suffering from a delayed reaction on life, consistently romanticizing the past, disaffected with the future and an inability to care for the present. I say what I think, at any given moment, perhaps with too much candor, but never ill-mannered. Anyway, aren't we all just looking for something?

I've been off Facebook for almost 24 hours, and somehow I have no want to get it back. Guess I really am disaffected.

Anyway, after the horror that is this semester is over, I think I may take a self-imposed hiatus from e-mail as well. Crazy huh? I check that thing and respond to people like it's my job.

If anyone needs me, I have a cell phone.


I miss using it to have conversation. I think I'm going to revert back to the good old days.

Work on this thing called love.

childhood crushes

I deactivated my Facebook today. I realized, I'm addicted to checking my e-mail, twitter and Facebook. Even when I'm in the room with other people, I'm continuously seeing if someone else has left me a message. Of course I do it more when I'm actually waiting for someone to do so. or rather, hoping.

Anyway, I wandered over to my old Live Journal account. While listening to Youtube videos of All 4 One, KC & JoJo, Joe and Boys II Men, I figured I might as well continue down memory lane. And I started looking through entries I'd saved under memories. And it was funny. The one I wrote about him was titled, "young and naive."

Guess that says it all. But it's kind of sad all at once, to take the weight away from it with those words.


It's weird to be 25 years old and moving back into my parents house. I'm driving down the same streets that I used to. And it's like, sometimes I wonder if too much has happened here for anything to be good. As of the past few years, I find myself reverting back to guys of the past. Not on purpose, it just happens, I guess, when you move back to your old hometown. It just happens.

And it makes me wonder, if my pursuit is a result of the fact that we share some semblance of a past.



I'm reaching the 6 month mark in this city, and I feel ready to go.